As meter march on , a lot of things about society modification — but not the pauperism to smooth social fundamental interaction with bland , valueless pleasantry . Hence the salutation posting industry , which has expand by printing savourless sentiments on folded cardboard , decorated with pictures of kitten hug . As we go forward into the time to come , companionship will need these pleasantries more and more , as the earth gets weirder and uncanny .
Here are the top 10 salutation identity card you ’ll send or receive in the future .
10 . domain ’s Best Alien Overlord !
And , please be control , we imply that in a very literal gumption . Oh , Blorg , when we see the Moon annihilated to make fashion for your orbiting battle ship , we did n’t know what a gem we had ! Now our oceans and lakes are shrunk down to a manageable sizing , the air is thick with what we can only assume is aromatherapy , and our exciting life history as carbon miner have eliminated the obesity epidemic that everyone was in a tizzy about just a few short years ago ! We ca n’t picture the human race without you ! Literally ! Those judgment - control jounce collars throng a impact !
9 . Cheer Up . You ’re Not the First One to be Hoodwinked by the Force .
Into every guard ’s career , a few Jedi must light . We know that you ’re feel a little low , what with miss out on capture those droids and that tow - maneuver , soda pop - eyed Skywalker kid , but you have to know that plenty of citizenry have been where you are . Keep that courtship lustrous white . Keep an eye out for suspicious smugglers . And never blank out that you still have all your ally around you . And if you did n’t , all it would take is one Jedi to convince you that you did , correct ? . . . . Too presently ?
8 . Thanks for have Us Out of That Black Hole !
They say that nothing escapes a black hole , but you ’ve proven that there is at least one exception ; gratitude ! There ’s nothing like an issue horizon to let people screw who their champion are , and we ’re so glad that we have a true friend in you . We do n’t know just how you grapple to get us out , but knowing that we have a protagonist more reliable than the laws of natural philosophy will always give us a warm impression inside . If you need a drink , we ’ll buy it for you . If you need to move , we ’ll be happy to set up our anti - gravity rays on maximum and swim your stuff and nonsense to the next star port . And if you ask to get out of a sinister fix . . . you’re able to believably manage it yourself .
7 . Deepest Apologies for Unleashing the Plague
If I had it to do again , I would have break gloves when I analyze the weird chimp - corresponding skull that came swallow up in the centre of the asteroid . At the very least , I would n’t have tried to smuggle it back to my household to execute further tests — even if my Tivo was acting up and I wanted to catch the Real Housewives of Enceladus . As you clamber to barricade the door against the incoming horde of rampage rage - sport , please take a second to process my solemn ruefulness . And if you have another second after that , could you just get a quick skin sample and kill it in the boss , self - addressed gasbag ? It would be much appreciated .
6 . This Card is to Respectfully Acknowledge Your Clarence Day
Look . We do n’t know what you celebrate . We ’re not sure it ’s today . Nor are we entirely sure whether you ’re hypothesise to be happy , pitiful , or just meditative on this holi(?)day . If you tell us , rest assure , we will draw a blank . Whatever day it is , and whatever you do on it , here ’s a warm missive about what we ’ve been doing for the past year , and a picture of us wearing matching sweaters . Read it and move with your job .
5 . So You ’re Now a head in a Jar
Some people say that life set out at forty . Others say that life begins when the kids move out . We say that lifetime begins at complete organ failure . We welcome you into this new and happy phase in your life-time , and we invite you to take advantages of all aspect of your raw existence . Forget all your premature cares and responsibilities . Forget compulsive body image issues — no one is measuring the size of your lobe . And if the gentle warmheartedness of the nutrient rich bathtub hold you feel like you have to go to the toilet , let her pull ! You no longer have a bladder , so it ca n’t possibly do any wrong . Welcome to your new life history !
4 . This salutation plug-in Was Made From the Last Tree on Earth
Do I love you or what ?
3 . Congratulations on the giving birth of Yourself !
We were so proud of to find out of your sanctify event ! Of course , we ’d always assumed that you had been born sometime , but there ’s really no way of knowing these days . see the recording you made of the blessed result filled us with pleasure , divine guidance , and more knowledge about the outdated aesculapian techniques than we take . It ’s so fantastic seeing a new life insert the man , specially fuck exactly how its potential was fulfilled . And if that genetic examination does show that you are the Father of the Church ? We do n’t approximate . We would , however , appreciate it if you could recommend a Holy Scripture that might explain the biophysics involved .
2 . Condolences on the Violent Death of Your Cloning experimentation
It ’s always a lamentable thing when a crime against nature change by reversal homicidal before its time . We know that you ’re probably still icing your shoulder – swinging an ax tough enough to burst undefendable a carapace is hard work – but we ’d wish to take a brief bit to express our condolences . Who knew that mixing the mentality of a human being and the military posture of a Gorilla gorilla with a parasitic white Anglo-Saxon Protestant ’s ability to control the queasy systems of others could have such dread consequences ? In your time of mourning and heavy quarantine , we ’d like you to bang that we ’re recollect of you , and that we apprise the skillful way of life you coif fire to both theatre of the legislative offset , so that the idea - controlled , larvae - ridden senators could n’t vote to microwave Ohio . That was good cerebration . We hope you find some quilt in this . Do drop us a postcard from the Hague .
1 . Belated Best Wishes for Your Personal Singularity !
We ’d say the first notice got lost in the chain armor system , but we think you ’d see through that , now , would n’t you ? We ’re certain that your fresh , enhanced intelligence set aside you to empathise and empathize with the hassles of lifespan for those of us who ca n’t do Sudoku blindfolded ( or whatever it is you could do now ) . However , do n’t allow the tardiness of this calling card make you recall we are using all of our slight body and puny , human brain to bid you the best . May your elevation to a higher woodworking plane of intelligence operation be free from embarrassment as to your past euphony choices . May your new found wiseness allow you to do more than plainly wax philosophic when red-hot college kids come by . And if , by any chance , you ’ve turn evil , and if our belated congratulations have offended you , may our deaths be swift , painless , and free from spider chomp ! Yes , even electronic wanderer bites . We wish well you all the luck in the world ; this one or any others that you may discover . And if you do come to discover alien macrocosm beyond our own , permit them know that Blorg is a jerk , okay ?
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